Dear Automatic Toilet

I just wanted to let you know I wasn’t done when you decided to prematurely flush and send your toilet water spraying all over my unmentionables. I was just bending forward to grab the toilet paper from the guts of the dispenser.

Not to make light of the situation, but I’m pretty sure what you did to me can be categorized as sexual assault. You don’t deserve a place in restrooms anywhere. You’re terrible, and you deserve to know it.

You, Mr. Fancified Self-Cleaning Litter Box, only make sense if you don’t stop to think about it. Yeah, I said it. Not having to touch a handle isn’t worth having to deal with you.

First, you don’t have a lid. Every time you flush, you’re spraying poop particles EVERYWHERE. On this British show, Trust Me I’m a Doctor, they found that 25-30% of people had feces (aka poop) on their hands even after washing them.

Even. After. Washing.

These people gave it the good ole college try washing their hands and still had poo hands. And you, Trouble Toilet, are just spraying that water everywhere? You probably put poo in my hair. I’m never going to get it all out…

Let’s forget about the light misting action for a moment, okay?

Why were you even invented? Because people didn’t want to have to flush a handle that everyone else has touched. You don’t even solve that problem. “Why don’t you just use toilet paper to unlock the door?”

Oh, puh-leeze. No one in the history of toileting has ever used toilet paper to open the stall door. The same hands that I was trying to avoid cross-contaminating my hands with touched the handle of the door. You failed at your one job. FAILED. PERIODT.

But my real reason for being mad today: You scare the absolute bejesus out of children. Small children have to potty, too, y’know.

They’re already scared of vacuum cleaners, and now you’re trying to destroy all the progress we made in potty training because kiddo thinks he’s going to be sucked straight to Hell with your aggressively volatile flushing?

No, YOU go straight to Hell, Mr. Lacking Latrine.

I’m tired of your shit.

The Problem
Problem Solved

Published by Sol Dee

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing... the blog, employment, life. But here I am!

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